Around 11pm last night, my phone exploded with text messages and BBMs. I thought something serious had happened — a natural disaster, a car accident…

Oh, wait. Never mind. The Coachella lineup just came out. Resume normalcy.

After skipping out on last year’s snoozer of a festival — which, in hindsight, was a miraculously fortuitous decision, considering the clusterfucks of ticket/long lines/overcrowding that essentially ruined what was once an entertaining and unique music experience — I wasn’t that desperate to hear who would be playing Coachella this year. Early January used to be a very exciting time for me — I remember distinctly freaking out in public when the ‘08 lineup was announced, mainly because OMFGKRAFTWERKISPLAYING. Those were good times.

But last year, the spark died. Maybe I was just “getting old” and “maturing” and the prospect of spending three sweaty days in the desert wasn’t so appealing anymore. And then, I really thought about it. No, it wasn’t the “experience”; I greatly enjoyed the 2.5hr drive to Indio from Los Angeles, the three-day diet of Gatorade and granola bars, running into friends, awkward celebrity sightings and the like. What I didn’t like last year were the bands. (And, since last year’s lineup/event situation are beyond old news, I’ll spare the rehashing of why Coachella 2010 sucked so badly and move on.)

I decided that my $300+ would be better spent elsewhere. (Like Disneyland, where my boyfriend and I ended up going instead that weekend.)

So flashback to last night — my friend pulls up the lineup on his phone because we were curious and it seemed that maybe something unexpected and huge had been booked.

I’m usually a pretty negative person when it comes to music, so to lighten the mood a bit, I’ll mention what I think is admirable about the lineup before the bitching commences.

GOOD THINGS! COOL THINGS!

- There’s a nice (albeit small) collection of noisy, guitar-shredding totally awesome bands (OFF!, Death From Above 1979, Lightning Bolt, HEALTH, et al.)

- Did I mention the DFA1979 reunion? And Suede? Unexpectedly rad.

- My nostalgia will be overloaded on Saturday with Bright Eyes (shut up) and Animal Collective. I totally anticipate returning to my position as O.G. AnCo groupie for the duration of the weekend. (Plus, Deakin’s back, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed for some Feels-era guitar tweedling and less MPP raveage.)

- Los Angeles bands are heavily represented throughout the entire weekend. This deserves a “thumbs up.”

- Tent-only camping is back! Ins and outs in the parking lot! Glorious!

And now, what really matters…

BAD THINGS! AWFUL THINGS!

THE TIME MACHINE

A good portion of the bands have already played Coachella within the last several years — and many of them have fallen a slot or two in the lineup hierarchy, which sends up red flags for me but apparently not for the Goldenvoice/Coachella booking crew.

If a band was slotted as a subheadliner in 2008 and falls to regular-line status in 2011 (looking at you, Swell Season) wouldn’t that mean the band’s buzz has died off and no one cares about them anymore? (Because, let’s be honest — I never gave a shit about Swell Season to begin with.)

Other repeat offenders include: Gogol Bordello, CSS, Ratatat, the National, Animal Collective, Cold War Kids, Arcade Fire, Flogging Molly, Boyz Noize, Bright Eyes, Crystal Castles, the Presets, Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti, Sleigh Bells, Yelle, Cut Copy, Interpol, Jenny Lewis, Bloody Beetroots — and probably more that I’m missing, so feel free to message me if there’s a repeat performer on the 2011 lineup I left out.

Why am I going to pay for a festival when most of the bands I’ve already seen…at the same festival?

Similarly, most of these bands are slightly past their “hype prime.” Reading the lineup is like waking up and discovering the world has catapulted back into 2006.

For example — I loved CSS back in 2007, but I’m skeptical on whether most festival attendees, myself included, would be interested in a late 00s electrodance band in 2011. Their last album bombed, so I’m not quite sure why I should be excited to see them. Jack’s Mannequin? Yeah they were “hip” with the emo kids — back in 2004. (Are they still “cool” with tweens?) Same goes with Jimmy Eat World, Ratatat, Cold War Kids, the Kills, Chromeo, Empire of the Sun, etc.

THAT’S A HEADLINER?

The headliners aren’t headliners. Plain and simple.

I’m not going to bash on Kings of Leon and their lack of musical talent — pretty sure those birds made it quite clear what people think of their “music” — but as popular as they are with the mainstream music community, they aren’t a headliner. Neither is Arcade Fire. Neither are the Strokes.

They would make solid sub-headliners, no questions asked — but none of these bands are going to be the “highlight” of the weekend for me. Truth be told, I’ll most likely be elsewhere should I end up attending Coachella this year. (As much as I loathe Kanye West, I’ll let his headliner placement slide because, yes, that does qualify as a decent Sunday headlining performer.)

WHERE’S MY LEGACY ACT?

Paul McCartney was a legacy act. Prince was a legacy act. Leonard Cohen was a legacy act. Kraftwerk was a legacy act. The Pixies were a legacy act.

Duran Duran is not a legacy act. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, add Neil Young to Friday. Moving on.

“CRYSTAL CASTLEST”

Did anyone else catch that glaring typo last night?

All of this aside, if I can snag a good deal on a hotel, I’ll make my return to Coachella and just pretend Kanye West isn’t there…